More Questions Than Answers
Rapid-fire thoughts pelted my soul like a machine gun with an endless supply of ammunition in the hands of a mad man. What about? Why did? How come? Didn’t God say? Vicious accusations demanded answers, of which I had none.
A few weeks earlier, we gathered at the home of dear friends whose four-year-old daughter lay dying of leukemia in the next room. Her long dark hair, shaved off prior to chemo, was hidden in the bottom compartment of her mother’s jewelry box. Her baldness and pale skin were jolting reminders of the trauma this family endured since diagnosis. As wonderful as the doctors were, there was nothing more they could do.
We prayed around the clock. I played my guitar and we worshipped God for hours. We believed. Yet … she died. I still hate writing that word, died. It was not the plan. Not ours, at least.
The funeral was over and the grave closed. Our hearts lay opened and shattered. It still does not make sense but I eventually got some closure as I sat motionless on my chocolate brown leather sofa while wrapped in a blanket and clinging to a pillow.
Tears rolled down my face as vicious thoughts returned with a vengeance. What happened? This is Not real? It’s like I was on a witness stand and a merciless prosecutor slammed his fist and furiously threw torn pieces of evidence around the courtroom of my soul. He vehemently accused God for the injustice of a young life lost.
The merciless prosecutor mocked my faith. I gave up. “I Don’t Know.” Something strange happened. The more I let go of my need to know, the more I did not have to know.
I continued to defy the invisible prosecutor and again whispered out loud. “I don’t know. But this I Do know. He is a good God!” What a thunderous whisper it was! It startled me and shut down the accuser. Temporarily that is. He came back with the same forceful lies, but I responded with my mantra. “I don’t know. But this I do know. He is a good God!” The accuser’s voice began to fade. My whisper eventually took on a shout.
So let me ask you, Friend. Do you have more questions than answers? Here are a few thoughts that helped me over time.
Let’s say, God forbid, an earthquake comes. You are numb and alone in smoldering ashes among the ruins. You are sitting on one Rock that holds you steady. What is that one Rock in Your life?
For some people, it is that God will never leave them or forsake them. For others, it is trusting He will cause all things to work together for good. For me, it is His character. I know that I know that I know that I know… He is a good God.
It helps to get gut honest real about what Your Rock is. Sit there. Let it hold you steady and anchor your soul. Whisper out loud though tears stain your face. “This I do know… _______________________________
(fill in the blanks with Your Rock).
I invite you to offer the simple prayer below. Let your heart relax as you turn towards our good God who cares for you.
Lord, help me surrender my need to have everything figured out. I place my questions in your hands. Though I do not seem to know a lot right now, I do know this. ______________________Help me, Lord. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The book of Psalms is one of my go to places when my heart is hurting. Here is a passage from Psalm 40 in hopes it will strengthen you.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3 New American Standard Version