Back to School at 38

I wrote this several years ago when I was reflecting on my decision to return to school at 38 years old! That age seems so young now, but it felt ancient at the time. (Okay. Ancient is an exaggeration. You get the point though.) Anyway, I honor this part of my journey.

Now for our walk down memory lane 🌞

Have you ever had someone slap you upside your head (figuratively speaking) and it caused all the wrangling questions and concerns to stand still. It was a “good slap” that causes me to sit at my computer and talk about it to the world even though it happened eighteen years ago.

I was thirty-eight years old. For all you detective minded individuals like my friend, Rose, that puts me at a whopping almost fifty-six years old. That has nothing to do with my story. Then again, perhaps it does.

There had been a wrestling match inside my head that pinned my heart to the ground. One, two, three… the count was on. Either I submit to the demand to continue in life; as I was, where I was, how I was. Or, I must muster enough fight to get back up.

Why I remember wearing an oversized pullover white sweater and faded jeans, I do not know. Nonetheless, I remember. I folded my arms in a self-hug and tried to hold my world together. Fear and Courage fought for my Dream. Fear was definitely winning. Eventually I brought my internal wrestling to the outside where critics laid in wait to mock. Or so I thought.

“I’ll be forty-two years old when I graduate if I go back to school.” There. I said it. Fear grabbed hold, “Run. Fade into the carpet. Say it was a joke.” My heart went limp. I wanted Courage to win, sort of. I just wished it didn’t have to be so hard.

My friend tilted his head and raised one eyebrow. “Well, you’re going to be forty-two no matter what. You’ll either have your degree or you won’t.” Those words silenced the arguments. Courage wrapped around my heart.

I shook my head in disbelief. He was right. It did not get rid of Fear, but Courage found a way to get out of Fear’s grip. Simple truth spoken in a vulnerable moment pierced through distortions. I would end up at forty-two years of age regardless. I would either arrive there changed, or I could stick with the familiar and arrive unchanged. The choice was mine.

You probably guessed by now that Courage won. I’d like to say it was a one-round fight. That would be a lie though. It was a daily wrestling match. It was one assignment at a time. It was sacrifice upon sacrifice, not only for me, but also for my husband and kids. Let’s just say we ate a Lot of hotdogs and cereal while doing homework at the kitchen table. But we did it. Together

I recently asked my Wild Dreamer Friends what their secret desires were. Responses ranged from: making perfume; walking the streets of Paris, Croatia, Israel or Alaska; recording music in a studio; mentoring writers with books and scripts for performance on Broadway; and seeing their prayers help sick people get well. One lady wants to become a Hospital Baby Cuddle-er while another expects to find secret treasures.

How about your story? Maybe turn off the critics in your head for a moment. Close your eyes. Listen to your heart. What do you yearn for in life? It does not have to be spectacular; Just authentic.

Ask yourself, “Will I regret not doing this?” “What will my life look like in ten years if I keep doing what I am doing now?”

Remember, Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the conquering of it.

Lord, help me remember the Dreams You placed inside my heart. Help me partner with Courage in this journey called Life. Help me be aware that You are always with me. You want to bless me. Please give me wisdom how to take steps towards the fulfillment of these Dreams. May my life help people as I honor You. Amen

As always... There is Hope ~ for You ♡

pps… I reposted this today, March 25, 2024, which also happens to be Rose’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Rose!

Mary