My Place of Dis/Obedience
I returned to the place of My No that sent my world spiraling with consequences. Don’t get me wrong. I loved God. Nonetheless, the If Only plagued my soul with regret.
I sat with sweat rolling down my back even though the Spring air nipped my nose with early morning breeze. How odd. The same young tree that I sat under years ago stood tall, mature, and still. It invited me to come and sit. So I did. If only I had stayed close to its branches. I could have avoided much sorrow. But I did not. Here I was facing my choice.
I was nineteen and nearing the end of my freshman year in college. My Dis/Obedience did not run the typical gamut of wild college life. Nevertheless, one choice, one Place of Dis/Obedience, altered my future. I said, No. To God. and to my heart.
I had excuses. There was family crisis, below the poverty level struggles, roommate sorrows, and a very average brilliance that necessitated far more studying to get a C than most did to get an A. You might feel sorry for me. I surely did at that season.
What happened? I knew… that I knew… what to do. I refused. It was too hard. Whereas there are times when I wonder what the will of God is, there was no doubt in this one. Somehow, I knew in an indescribable way the best choice to make.
Change my major and return my Sophomore year. Looking back it seems so simple. At the time it was terribly daunting. Even today, a small portion of my heart wants to self-defend. Many people I grew up with did not finish high school let alone college. Few had cars or jobs or hope for a bright future. My normal was colliding with an unfamiliar world whose normal was affluent and successful and brave. I did not fit.
So. I quit. I entered the world of waitressing to provide instant money and found waitressing to be the most difficult job I ever held. My path from that point continued with twists and turns… along with an inner knowing. The challenges I faced could have been much easier had I finished my degree. That may not be your story. It is definitely part of mine. I leave out details because it’s not about the details. Its about the power of one choice to influence our destiny.
So I sat once again with the tree that had been my resting place on the college campus. It held my back and whispered of hope and forgiveness. In its comfort, the Lord comforted me.
My regret was knowing I could never go back to that place in time. My choice was my choice.
My discovered truth was this. The Place of My Dis/Obedience was not really at the college campus, nor was it under the tree that still accepted me though I had walked away. The actual Place of My Dis/Obedience was in, My No.
I understood. I breathed deeply. All God ever wanted was, My Yes.
It has been almost 40 years since, My No, and over 20 years since I re-visited the college campus where I sat once again under this tree. I now rest in peace. Why?
I have given God my every day, Yes! I choose to live in this Place of Obedience. At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. At the end of the day, this is where my heart finds Joy!
Mary